Well, I did a thing.
My aversion and refusal to try online dating led me to search results that included a Google ad by a match making professional. So, I filled out the lead capture information on their website and a call came in about 15 minutes later.
Within a couple hours I was sitting across from a man in their office that claimed to be stocked with 70% females in the San Antonio area and that there was a lack of viable male candidates.
The Opener: “I’ll have you married in a year”
I laughed, but he restated it and said “if that’s what you’re looking for, I can match you with that woman that’s ready.” The attractive part of this endeavor, the females must also pay the same amount as the males, making it an even playing field and requires financial stability to make the investment.
We chatted for a while and he described to me how the process works, expectations, limitations, and what it looks like once you’re in the system. There were several different packages, the cheapest being around $8,000.00, and the executive level (matches you with professionals and C-suite level candidates) being around $55,000.00, and various packages in between.
The base package consists of (if I remember correctly) 8 matches, no prescreening, and no holding pattern. Prescreening means that they’ll give you the pedigree information (height, build, profession, lifestyle, vague availability, family data, average weekend, etc.) based on what they see and what they received as information collected during intake, but you DO NOT receive a photo. Holding pattern means that if you meet and enter into a relationship with their match, you may place the program on hold for a year.
I elected to go middle of the road, prescreening option, holding pattern option, and other options I added… lets just say the credit card swipe had a couple digits before the comma. No picture is given, which was concerning, but as I’ve spent my adult life initially selecting women based on their physical appearance, I decided this was probably a good way to break that routine.
First at bat… hit by a pitch.
I was matched with a senior level educator. She was a very nice woman, with one kid still at home, but several children (not an issue.) However, what was an issue was that she works from 6 am through 9-10 pm, Monday-Friday, and then has games to attend each weekend in the school year. Additionally, unlike normal educators, she does not get summers off, and is required to work her normal schedule as that is when she conducts hiring and planning for the upcoming year.
Additionally, her diet consisted entirely of fast food. She has a teenage boy at home, so I undersatnd that it’s easier to just pick something up on the way home, especially considering her crazy amount of hours at work. However, when your diet consists entriely of Raising Canes, Pizza hut, and McDonalds, and you don’t have the time to exercise, it has an effect on the body. Let’s just say, we’ve all seen that person that is skinny-fat, like legs, arms, face are fine, but disproportionate to the mid-section.
The match maker has a three-date rule, meaning you are supposed to give it a chance for chemistry and connection to grow. However, after the second date I called an had a discussion with them about what my acceptable schedule would be for a potential match. As this was not previously discuessed, they afforded me the right to end the match after I let her know that schedule differences were not going to work for me. I had a nice conversation with her on the phone and told her that her schedule just wasn’t going to work. We wished each other good luck and parted ways.
[Important note: If you violate the match makers prolicies, procedures, rules, or other stipulation set forth in their contract, or become a danger to their staff or a match, or behave inappropriately during a date or phone conversation, they can end your endeavor without a refund, with no recourse.]
The Weirdo
Upon ending the previous match, they were excited about a women that had just signed up that day. She still needed to pass a background check and complete the intake process, but she committed to signing up. She was the same age as the previous match (older than me by many years) and was a business owner.
Two weeks went by and I was still waiting for a new match. I asked the guy who signed me up for an update and he wasn’t sure why the background check was taking so long. For instance, my background check, including criminal history, summarized credit check (no hit), and other public information search, was completed in about three days and I was informed that I was good to go and ready to match. So, to say the least, he was concerned that maybe she had something in her background that was bad. I wasn’t allowed to have any information while she was pending.
Finally, she came back clear and I got the introduction information. Without being too descriptive, she had a rough go of it. She was married for a long time (nearly 25 years) and it was not a good ending to the marriage. She was tall, thin, physically fit, and sounded stable and mature, with three grown children and several grandchildren. I accepted this prescreening phone introduction and the match maker sent the contact information.
The policy is that the man receives the contact information and calls to set up the first date. The company recommends either coffee or something light, no alcohol or dinner, and recommends a breif initial encounter. This was exactly what I set up for the first match (educator) and we met for coffee and talked for a couple hours. None of this is about money, because anyone signing up for this does not have great financial concerns… this is more about keeping things light initiall and making people feel comfortable.
So, I call the woman to set up the first meeting. I recommend coffee or something similar for the initial meeting. I was met with an adamant request for dinner AND drinks, and each attempt to downgrade the first meeting to a coffee was met with increasingly more interest in dinner AND drinks, on a loop, matching my repeated coffee requests. I caved, and decided to entertain dinner and drinks, but informed her that I would limit it to a two-beer maximum for myself.
Fast forward to she’s four margaritas in and volunteering information about the black guys that approach her and how her black girlfriend takes her to (and she used air quotes) these… “parties.”
No, none of this came up, I have zero interest in race, or who anyone has dated, or why any demographic information was given, or why she was talking about this, because it was definitely NOT in context. She simply dove into “so, who have you dated recently” questions, and as I dodged the question she decided in her mind that she would demonstrate the type of specific information she was after. I learned a quite a lot about size, color, frequency, and more from this woman than I ever needed to know, and here I had plenty of fajita I still needed to eat before I could get the fuck out of there.
I talked to the match maker and he chalked it up to perhaps her being really nervous, so I gave her another chance. However, I was very clear about the next date would be Starbucks.
Didn’t. Fucking. Matter.
She was just as weird without alcohol.
It was a nice day out, and the weather forecast for the next ten days was all rain, clouds, lightning, etc., so, I drove the Lamborghini, as this would probably be the last opportunity for a couple weeks. So, I retracted the convertible top, jumped in, and drove to coffee.
Subtle jab at my “manhood” (like she would know) followed by financial-status quizzing, and a blatant net-worth questionnaire, I am now sitting across from my least favorite person, with the Starbucks cup’s lid now sporting chew marks because I lightly chewing on the area around the drinking hole in the lid… to keep the word CUNT from flying out.
I finally leave. I get the match maker on the phone same day, you can guess my reaction. I get an apology and assurance that they had no idea.
I opt the fuck out of this human and tell them to give me a breather from matches for a couple weeks. I have to prep for a trip for a friends wedding and see some friends during a quick 4 day trip for the wedding.
She hasn’t been informed of my decision yet, but I let her know that I’m not excited about seeing her again and that I don’t think it’s going to be a match.
Queue the fucking onslaught of text messages. Wild shit starts flowing in, for which I don’t reply, and even the match maker blocks here (NOT KIDDING). I’m getting texts at midnight asking to talk… keep in mind we have met twice and have spoken for about four hours in our entire lives. We have not been intimate, I gave her a “k-bye” one armed hug, and shagged ass out of there for both meetings.
I still have not replied to her texts and went a step further and let the corporate office for this company know that they may want to revisit her participating in their process, and offered up the crazy texts as evidence of that fact.
As of April 15, she is still calling, but now from her company line, which is really weird. This is the most unstable anyone has acted in the first four hours of knowing them.
A match made in heaven, for someone else…
A match came and went pretty easy, pretty much the moment I saw her.
This company I hired is not incompetent, but they are taking their sweet time nailing down my preferences. For instance, I told them that I run a 10k EVERY! SINGLE! DAY! I just got home from Las Vegas, and while I was there for a wedding for 5 days, I ran my 10k every day, weekend days included (as always) whether or not I felt like it.
Does this mean hook me up with someone that is not built for exercise, even if just short bursts of activities? I would think not, but whatever.
She shows up jeans fucking howling… I could hear them stretching as she walked. The cross around her neck blessing the inseam stitching and thigh friction burns I was certain were forming, or creating resistant energy like when a Tesla is braking. Again, I’m not trying to be mean, but the matchmakers have pictures of us, and despite what’s “claimed” by the individuals, we all have eyes.
We sit down to eat, she has picked the place and it’s ALL burgers, pizza, etc. So, she orders loaded nachos for an appetizer, then a burger for her meal. She specifically says “no pork” on the nachos and no bacon on the burger… because she doesn’t want to have to “run it off.” Really? RUN in off? RUN? I’d believe roll, maybe roll it off… NO, I’m not being mean, I’m pissed off. Here’s why.
The matchmaking company has my personal details, and they know that I have a “light Christian background” and that I’m not currently practicing. I’ve seen some pretty terrible shit in my life and people have tried to kill me 7 times in particular, and maybe more with me being part of an “area target,” to say nothing of the fact the I’m down a couple dozen friends to include my one of my best friends a year ago from cancer, so my relationship with God isn’t all it could be.
The pedigree data I received from the company was that she was not practicing. The data you get is the pre-screening, and you decide from there, and if you say yes, it counts as one of your pre-screened matches. You only get a certain amount. She prayed before eating (no big deal by itself,) she was wearing a cross necklace (no big deal by itself, I respect it,) wearing a cross ring (no issue by itself,) HOWEVER, I take issue with the 15 minute sermon about God’s love/plan/etc. during the meal. I clearly stated in my paperwork NOT PRACTICING.
The company is wasting my time matching me with people that are not compatible with my lifestyle. Let’s flip it! If they set me up with a 3% body fat female, with perfect teeth, perfect skin, a body building bikini fitness model… she is NOT going to feel like we are anywhere near physically matched, even not considering anything religious. As nice as I might be (I really am, I have treated every date with respect, paid for everything, etc.) she is going to feel like they are wasting her time and not paying attention to what she considers a basic match.
So, she and I continue through the entertainment portion of the date and part ways. I did not bother texting her or calling her again, and simply informed the matchmaking company that it was not a match and I will not be following the three date minimum.
So, that’s three down… and then that called with another match. I had enough data to look her up… and God damn it. I can’t imagine she does anything physical, exercise wise, as she’s a bigger girl.
FYI!!! Before you judge me, I do not ask for more than I bring to the table. If I’m not sporting a six/eight pack, I don’t expect one. Teeth aren’t perfect… mine either. There’s a lot of things I am totally flexible on, but if we can’t hike together, swim, jog, if you aren’t strong enough to haul your bodyweight out of the water onto the boat, or possess the minimum amount of strength to save your own life from a preventable death during an accident like kick the window out or run to safety, or save someone else for that matter, then I’m pretty disappointed, and I think that’s fair.
I used to tell the men I led in the Army, you need to be at least strong enough to save yourself, not become part of the problem and need saving, and be willing to risk your life to save another’s.
Plus or Minus
I received another match, one that I had previously approved when an administrative error caused me to receive two matches at once, and they told me to just choose which one I’d like to go out with.
Well, the summary of this person included a line of “she describes herself as plus and minus in her weight from summer to winter.” I get that, as I do the same thing. I’m 5’11” and in the winter I can go to 205 lbs with what seems to be no effort except the stupid holidays and the yummy food. Despite running daily, there are weeks of leftovers, then I can turn around in the summer and be 180 lbs. So, I have to give some grace there.
This was not the case.
What I found out later was that she had been on a massive weight loss journey, and joined at the peak of the loss, but then put if all right back on. She texted and told me what she was wearing right as I was pulling up to the restaurant. I glanced up near the door and immediately got pissed off. She was 2 bills, and it doesn’t really matter what you wear to try to achieve some slimming, you can’t hide that kind of weight.
I am not just saying this to be a jerk. I clearly had given instructions to the match makers, and also my profile said that running and hiking was something I liked to do and hoped to share that interest with my match. This was a swing and a whiff that left both her and myself uncomfortable.
However, just like EVERY SINGLE OTHER DATE that wasn’t a match, I shook her hand, held her door, engaged in polite conversation, paid for the entire encounter, and bid her a respectful farewell.
Trust me. I reamed the match makers over this one.